Stepping Stone

“If I died today, I wouldn’t have died happy. Anything that people say about someone living a happy and productive life before they passed would be a lie.”

She contemplated for a second before blowing out her cigarette smoke, the wind catching it and sending it away from her face. She then looked at me and said, “Is this about her?”

“It’s not just about her but it involves her. Her and a long line before her and possibly, no definitely, after her.”

“And that makes you think you’ve had a shitty life?”

“Based off of what happened, it doesn’t make me think I’ve achieved the happiness I’ve sought out. Everyone looks for different things but a good portion of us just want to love and be loved, at least I do.”

“So you should be hopeful, right?” she asked me, taking another pull.

“No,” I shot back, “the exact opposite.” I loved Kim but she sometimes saw a brighter side to things when I didn’t. I can usually see both sides to any argument but this time was harder than normal. Something that had been a plague for the entirety of my life wasn’t getting better and I didn’t have the feeling that it ever would.

“You have no hope at all, Amir? So life is just over and you’re going to live in sadness until your body rots? Don’t fucking do that.”

“I don’t think I’m going to live in sadness but I’m not going to be happy, just like I haven’t been. You know me, I’m a generally upbeat guy but I want what I want and when I don’t or can’t get it, it makes me rethink things in a serious manner. Having gone through this a multitude of times only shows me that it’s not going to improve anytime soon.”

“Because a girl wasn’t interested in you? Amir, there are lots of girls out there and you haven’t dated all of them. Not even a large portion…”

“But the reasons I keep getting for their rejection doesn’t seem to change. I’ve been told or shown all my life that nice guys finish last and some have even tried to spin that around into a good thing but that doesn’t change the fact that I see guys worse than I am are finished with a marathon I haven’t been able to sign up for.”

Kim looked at me, puzzled. “And why would you think that?”

“Because I’m the end game. That’s what it’s always boiled down to.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Okay…I’m usually seen as the end. The last guy that anyone wants to date because I actually am a good guy. There’s not a huge problem with me but I make women think of marriage because I’m apparently cut out to be the perfect husband.”

“I can see that,” she said. “So why doesn’t that make you hopeful?”

“Well, 100% of the time I run into 2 categories of women. One wants a guy that’s more of an asshole than I am and another that sees me being husband material and then realizing that they haven’t done enough dating yet. Both are out of my hands because I’m not going to act like a dick just to get someone. Eventually the façade will drop and they’ll see that I’m really just a nice person. Maybe they think I can’t fuck since I’m not about to yell at them?”

Kim laughed loudly. “The other set fucks me up the worst because I’ll meet someone that seems very into me. They’ll say that they can’t find a specific flaw other than the fact that there aren’t enough guys like me in the world. They talk about how great I am as a person and tell me that I’ll eventually make SOMEONE ELSE very happy one day. They somehow think that maybe I’ll stick around and wait for them to get through their promiscuous phase and come back to find me later. Or better yet, they just KNOW that another girl is going to scoop me right up. And that’s the problem…”

“They always think there will be a ‘next girl’ but they’re the ‘next girl’ from the last girl. I see your point.”

“Exactly, it never ends. I’m constantly being pushed off to the next one like a fucking hot potato. And the shit that kills me is that they all say the same shit each time. ‘Don’t ever change. Stay just how you are.’ Why? It’s obviously not doing me any favors!”

Kim finished her cigarette and flicked it into the grass. She then began to dig in her pocket for a stick of gum. “I mean,” she started. “Maybe it is.” I looked at her like she offered me Quaaludes. “Hear me out. Maybe them pushing you away is their way of showing you that they’re not right for you and they know that ahead of time. It’s very possible that they can see pretty early that they’re not going to be able to be true to you and who you are right now and this pushing you from girl to girl is a good thing. You’re not wasting your time on bitches who don’t appreciate you.”

“The thing is it IS a waste of time because I get invested before they drop this on me. I get attached, I start showing them that I like them, I get invested and then when it seems like the next logical step is coming, I get dropped. It’s like they can’t take someone being all of the things they ask for?”

“Amir, take it from a woman, we have no idea what the fuck we want half the time. We want a lot of things we’ve never had and when we have them it seems like too much.”

“So that makes me too much to handle? Like they get this string of assholes, run into me and think to themselves ‘maybe the assholes weren’t so bad.’ You’re not making me feel better, Kim.”

“Sorry, I’m just being honest. We’re a little crazy but that doesn’t mean that there’s no one out there for you.”

“But that’s the other thing about the last one. I thought she was. Nothing was the same and I feel that she was the closest I’ve ever had to everything I’ve ever needed. I’ve never felt like that before. From what you’re saying to me, a bunch of women had the opposite of me, asked for me, then when faced with potentially keeping me, decided that I wasn’t what they needed after all. Well I ran into the opposite issue. I had the opposite of her all my life, asked for her, got her, then when faced with potentially keeping her, it was a no-brainer. I had to keep her. And she had other plans.”

“Don’t call it a plan, Amir. That makes it seem like she was going to do this from the beginning and you know that’s not the case. You approached her so you know she wasn’t peeping at you from a parked car in the street just waiting to make you miserable and break your heart. Her wants changed. She’s allowed to do that. Every woman you’ve ever encountered is allowed to do that and it’s okay. 

It’s setting you up for something better. Focus on being alone.”

“I am alone. I’ve been alone. Even when I was with Misa I was alone. For all of the years we were together, she was never really there. I was alone before her for a while, then alone with her, and now I’m alone again. I’m sick of being alone. That’s why I’m not happy.”

She took a long drag from her cigarette and contemplated for a moment before exhaling and repeating the same actions. She then looked at me and said, “So maybe stop focusing on going after love. Just chill and do everything else in your life.”

“That’s bullshit. No one ever says that about anything but love and relationships and it’s a bullshit platitude to get people to stop complaining. Kim, when people talk about being broke the advice that they’re given is to go after the money. Make a plan, set something up and go for it, not wait for it to come to you by not focusing on it. When you want to get a job, no one tells you to wait for them to call and let the opportunity fall in your lap. They tell you to put in a resume and apply. And even still with relationships I’m always told to go out, you can’t get the girls by not putting yourself out there so it’s a fallacy to tell me to not focus on the thing I want the most and simultaneously telling me to wait on it. That. Is. Bullshit.”

“People aren’t jobs, Amir-“

“Yes they are! They’re work. Relationships are hard work. It’s a job paid in love, respect, admiration, all that good shit. Getting to them is a job. Everything involved is. And my resume is everywhere and no one is hiring.”

We both sat there for a while in silence. Kim's my best friend because I’m able to have that silence with her yet not let it get weird. We appreciate each other’s company to the point that we’re comfortable around each other in public and private without having the weight of being a couple. It’s nice being there but there’s always something that’s unspoken.

“So, Kim…”

She turned her head to look at me.

“Why aren’t we together?”

She looked away and shook her head.

“You know why.”

Black Black Lives Matter Detractors

You know how people complain that big things happen but smaller things should’ve been handled first? Like when they say that we can land a man on the moon but we can’t cure world hunger? Or why is it that we can have a 200 Gig memory card but can’t cure cancer? You do realize that those things aren’t mutually exclusive right? Like…the same people who do the one job don’t do the other. That’s like being mad that your mechanic can get fix your car but can’t fix your relationship with your spouse.

Such as it is with the Black Lives Matter haters. Most importantly, the BLACK Black Lives Matter haters. You guys rub me the wrong way and I’m judging you. The same argument I keep hearing is that black lives need to matter to the Black Lives Matter supporters and that black people need to stop killing black people before we worry about other people killing black people and…you sound dumb. Here’s the thing, are you having this argument with black murderers or are you having it with people you know or see fighting for equal rights? Me personally, I’ve never seen a Black Lives Matter supporter that was gang banging. I’ve only heard it from people who are concerned and NOT harming other black people with violence. When I hear or see people arguing with people who AREN’T killing others, I just think to myself that you’re arguing with the wrong people. When you tell someone who ISN’T harming another black person that they should stop talking about NOT HURTING BLACK PEOPLE because people who ARE hurting black people are black is tantamount to getting mad at an A student telling someone to study more because that persons brother skipped school. You realize those things aren’t mutually exclusive, right?

You guys are literally like the NRA in that somehow it’s NEVER a good time to talk about this issue. If a shooting occurs, it’s too soon afterwards to talk about gun control and if nothing is happening then why talk about it? You’re mad because you see black on black crime which is a cop-out because you never get mad at white on white crime and the fact that 80% of serial killers are white. Not once have I heard a black person say that whites need to work on stopping serial killers before they balance the deficit. That’s because it’s dumb to think those things run together or that the same people doing one are in charge of the other.

And All Lives Matter? No shit. We’re saying ours do, too. Again, we’re treated differently and the black Black Lives Matter haters aren’t acknowledging this. The cops are killing, harassing and harming the black people who aren’t a danger. When you say that blacks need to stop killing blacks, it’s not as if Tamir Rice, a 12 year old with a toy gun was actually murdering folks. It’s not like John Crawford, killed while walking with toys in a Walmart was a threat to his community. Or the kid who had 5 officers beat him to the ground for jaywalking. Please understand, THE COPS DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THESE PEOPLE OTHER THAN THAT THEY ARE BLACK. Even if they had done something beforehand THEY AREN’T DOING IT AT THE MOMENT THEY’RE CAUGHT BEING ROUGHED UP BY POLICE! That’s why we’re upset. They aren’t fucking with the black on black murderers. They’re fucking with Emmit Till and Amadu Diallo. They’re killing Sean Bell the day before his wedding and you guys are getting mad and calling people out for saying that this is fucked up because somewhere else, other people are responsible for the behavior of all.

Basically you’re supporting stereotypes. You’re saying that because there are black people who kill black people, cops are allowed to murder us with impunity and we can’t say anything, even though we’re not responsible. In that case, don’t listen to rap music or support Hip Hop. A culture that speaks about this kind of treatment with Dead Prez, Immortal Technique, Killer Mike and Talib Kweli. You obviously think they’re full of it so don’t tell me you support my culture. I also don’t want to hear you speak kindly about Malcolm X, Dr. King, Marcus Garvey or Fred Hampton, Jr. People who knew that Black Lives Mattered and tried to show the world. Don’t say anything positive about the Black Panthers. A movement created because of the unfair treatment of black people that supported their own and were taken down by COINTELPRO. A government agency designed to take down the Panthers but for some reason not the Ku Klux Klan.

So lastly, when are the police going to be accountable to you? We’re now seeing weekly beat-downs and killings by police to black people and you guys complain about the black on black crime and nothing else. Why aren’t you complaining about the cops harming your own people? Are you complicit? You think all blacks deserve it? There’s now, way more instances of that on the news than black on black or white on white crime and you still don’t see it’s a problem? You realize that you’re allowed to speak up about the injustice of the so-called protectors doing damage to your community BEFORE we fix every other issue we have, right? Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.